Mixed Priorities

I remember, right out of college, when Melissa and I were looking for our first ministry position, we were interviewed by at least four LBA’s and probably close to ten pastors and District Superintendents. One of the most common questions was this one:

What are your five most important values? Or, what are the five most important things in your life? Something like that. I remember answering each time: 1 – God. 2 – Melissa (and later kids… I would say ‘Family’ now) 3 – Ministry. I don’t remember what I said about four and five… probably tennis and Star Wars. Who knows?

The most important values were the first three: God, Family, Ministry. Of course, every time I said this to the pastor or board… they smiled. They knew that this was the correct order of values.

Here lies the problem for a pastor: It is so easy to mix up the first priority with the third one. In other words, God is at the heart of the pastor’s ministry and work. Many pastors feel like they are neglecting God Himself if they choose their family over their parish. Or try the other way around: Pastors can sometimes replace their quiet time with sermon prep.

It works both ways, unfortunately. The one that I really want to talk about in this particular musing is the mistake of putting your ministry before your family. Now, I understand that everybody has to make sacrifices. Some people have to work at certain times that conflict with the waking hours of their family. Some people have to work weekends. Some people have to work two jobs.

In the life of a minister… there are certain times when you MUST meet the needs of your congregation at the expense of your family. Sicknesses, weddings, milestones, deaths… these are all important occasions when the pastor can build trust and invest in the people of his church. That just goes with the job.

But there needs to be a line drawn in the sand about how much influence the church will have on the amount of time spent with the minister’s family. I really love Melissa… and I really love Emily. I know that Emily is growing up fast. She will only be three for another 10.5 months. I want to spend as much time with her as I can.

So, here are the decisions that I’ve made: I get up and go to work at the same time that Melissa gets up and goes to work so that I can put in a full eight hour day at the office and come home right around the time that Melissa gets off work. I have a to-do list in the office that helps me get the stuff done. I really don’t waste much time in the office… I get my job done efficiently so that my time with Melissa and Emily doesn’t suffer.

I take my day off. I can count on one hand the number of times that I have gone into the office on my day off since moving to St. Peters. I get to spend my day off with Emily, so why waste it by going in the office? And really, if I’ve done my job efficiently the rest of the week, there should be no reason to go to the office anyway.

With the exception of special events, parties, fellowship get-togethers and other such activities that happen on a Saturday… I can usually get by with spending most of that day hanging out with Melissa and Emily as well. When and if I become a Senior Pastor, that will probably change a little as I’ll want to get to the church to set up for Sunday morning. But again, right now, if I invest my time wisely throughout the week, I can spend the majority of my Saturdays with Melissa.

I take all of my vacation. Right now I get 20 days and 2 Sundays off during the year. I will never go a year without taking all of it. This is important to me. Typically, it’s when I get away from my situation that I start dreaming and getting ideas of how to make the different ministries that I oversee better. Vacation has always been crucial for my emotional and spiritual health in ministry.

I once heard John Bray preach about family. He talked about how, of all the human relationships in the world, he believes that his most important one is to his wife. Churches, friends, even kids come and go… but as long as both are alive… they always live together. Wherever he goes, she will go. Wherever he serves, she will serve. Wherever he lives, she will live. I will never forget that sermon.

Danny Janes, the pastor at Kalamazoo Wesleyan, models this about as good as I’ve seen. He loves and values his family… and it shows in every facet of his ministry. When I worked under him, he protected his time with his family. He protected his day off. He made sure he took vacations. And he was quick to encourage me to do the same. He was a great example.

Here’s a great truth: If I don’t take care of nurturing relationships with my family… eventually that will affect the way I do ministry. Worse case scenario: It might affect whether I do ministry at all. So I will guard my priorities fiercely. God, Family, Ministry. And I truly believe that God will bless me for it.