I’m not sure how to explain this, but the past few weeks have been difficult for me. It might be the added stress of having a newborn around. It might just be the heat. It might be church related circumstances. It might be a combination of a bunch of things… but I feel spiritually and emotionally drained. I’m stealing a phrase from one of my favorite U2 songs here… but I’ve just felt numb. Numb and empty.
I go through phases when I feel like this… but usually I can pinpoint exactly why. This time is different. For the most part, this should be a happy time in my life. There have been no major disappointments, I haven’t received any bad news about my family… there hasn’t been anything terrible that has happened in my job, though, nothing altogether exciting has happened either.
I just feel like my life is slipping away from me faster than I can absorb it. I look around and realize that my four year old is about ready to start pre-school. I can’t believe that my new-born is already six weeks old. There are days at work when I look around my office and the church and wonder what difference I am making… not only in my community, but even within the church that I am working for. I’ve been here three years and I sometimes wonder if I’ve made any kind of contribution.
Last night, I was on my way home with my family after running a few errands. A song came on the radio from Casting Crowns that caught my attention. The song is called: Praise You In This Storm. Even though I do not feel like I am going through a particular storm in my life right now, the lyrics of this song’s chorus really ministered to me:
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
Especially the part about ‘For You are Who You are, no matter where I am.’ The doctrine of God’s immutability (unchanging nature) has always been a tremendous comfort to me. Though my life is constantly changing around me… God remains the same. God remains in control. God extends the same promise of wisdom in times of confusion; strength in times of exhaustion; peace in times of stress; and hope in times of despair.
And so, even though I don’t feel my best right now; even though I am confused about many things; even in the midst of my own personal weakness… I rejoice that God’s faithfulness never fails. Even though I might struggle to see His hand at work right now, I am encouraged that the God who never changes is always at work in my life… always molding me, always shaping me, always drawing me into deeper communion with Him. For that, I do praise Him, storm or not… I praise Him.
6 comments:
Brother, I have been there and am not entirely sure I am not there right now. Know that I am praying for you and let me remind you that it is during the times when we are about to give up that we are reminded that we did/are making a difference to the young people we work with. Hang on brother
-McKee
Aside from small groups, All-Star Kids, good sermons, and incredible Sunday School classes, you're also probably my best friend in a 350 mile radius, so I hope you know your impact here has definitely been appreciated by me. See you tonight at the game or in a couple minutes at church. Later.
Hey Josh, I could really relate here...I'm not even under a lot of major new stress or anything. I think it's just part of the journey. That's one of my favorite songs - very cool lyrics. Hope yawl are getting a break from the heat now!
Been there...done that, or more precisely am there...doing that. I can completely relate to what you're going through and I'm battling the same thing right now. I doubt that's a coincidence since we're both ministering in the same place and trying to move the church in a specific direction. Maybe it's spiritual warfare (quite likely) or maybe it's just frustrtaion with the perceived lack of motion of our church, or maybe it's a time of God withdrawing in order for you to learn to lean on him even more. Or probably it's a little bit of all of the above.
Let me encourage you by saying that apart from God, you are largely responsible for any good I get done here at the church. If you weren't carrying so much of my load I couldn't offer any effective leadership at all. Thanks for what you do! If I can do anything to encourage or lift you at all tell me...I'm there man
Thanks everybody for all your comments. Very encouraging. I know 'this too will pass' but when you are in the midst of it... it's easy to forget that there are hundreds of other people going through the same thing...
Some days are better than others... hey, that's a U2 song as well... hmmmm.
I've found that sometimes I can't make it on my own...
It's far too late... I need sleep. Come on Aaron... go to sleep man. You can do it.
Josh! I am so glad you are so open about this type of stuff rather than suffering in silence...I hate it when we as a church are screaming on the inside or just quietly confused and we don't know how to reach out for support...so major kudos to you for that.
More major kudos for all you do...ditto to everything anthony and steve said...sometimes it's nice to hear how you impact others because it's so easy to feel you aren't...I am looking forward to joining your next class...or maybe leading one if the need is there and you need a break...I've gotten a lot of rest this year and gotten closer to God in my own major storm...I love that song by the way...maybe you're in the calm before the storm? let's hope and pray not.
I think Steve is right...a little spiritual warfare + new baby fatigue...possibly leading to dysthymia...ever heard of dysthymia? it's kind of like depression but doesn't necessarily involve major mood swings and you wouldn't call yourself depressed...just not feeling fully alive...it'll get better on its own in most cases if you can push through...and for goodness sakes, give yourself a major break for the first six months or so after a new baby...having two adds a whole new element of surprise that you don't expect...you think, I've done this before, piece of cake...but just give yourself time and permission to be a little stressed juggling a new routine...it takes more out of you than you realize and I'd hate to see you burn out...be good to yourself...and don't worry! help is on the way! I can't wait to wisk one or both kids off to my place so you and Melissa can take a nap or go to a movie.
I would like to see a fire lit under our church...maybe I can help there too??????????
I so appreciate knowing you, learning from you, and really look forward to seeing the whole Howard clan again. You can be tired and crabby if you want--I'll understand =) It's hard to be social when you feel like you do--so no pressure, as long as you're not walking around in a bathrobe unshaven when I come to visit:)
I mean major business about getting in there and building up the body, starting with the leaders, who probably need it most. We appreciate you both and all you do.
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