Allow me to be a little transparent for a moment: For as long as I remember: I’ve had a problem with my weight. I was a fat baby. I was a semi-fat toddler. I was a very fat elementary student. I was a heavy Jr. Higher. I started growing taller in High School and all that fat kind of evened itself out all over… so when I look at pictures from High School, I see a thinner and younger version of myself. However, I never knew it at the time… because I thought I was fat even during High School.
I got to college and I just ballooned. Our dining commons was basically an all you can eat buffet, mixed in were late night burritos and Taco Bell runs, and finished off with many care packages from my Grandma Sands who sent many, many cookies. Believe it or not, I gained 60 pounds from the beginning of my Sophomore year to the time I got married the year before my Senior year. Unfortunately, the majority of that weight is still on. I am slightly below my ‘wedding’ weight.
Being heavy has it’s set of problems… to be sure. I remember after college being interviewed by a District Superintendent. This D.S. then went to get quick references from one of my professors. When the professor gave positive feedback about me, the D.S. looked at him strangely and said: “He’s overweight, so he appeared lazy to me.” My professor told me this in order to motivate me to work hard all the time… because as long as I was overweight, I would have to overcome the label that us hefty people get: lazy.
I will never forget how hard that lesson was for me to take. I’m a pretty genuine guy. When I meet people for the first time, I typically think the best of them. My problems with being judgmental come after I’ve gotten to know them a little bit. (Yes, it’s something that God is working on me about right now.) I was also very naïve in college. I never knew that I might not be considered for a job because I was over-weight. It was very surprising and hurtful…
I’ll be honest, though. Up until about three years ago, I really didn’t care about my weight. I liked being hefty. I liked being able to make fun of myself. I found that I could interact with a lot of my students because I was willing to make fun of myself that way. It was something that many people didn’t expect… it turned out to be endearing. I honestly remember joking about trying to get fatter so that I could say that I had broken the 300 barrier.
I also found that I surprised many people on the tennis court. “This fat guy does not look like he would be good at tennis…” I like the look of surprise when they realize that I hit the ball pretty good and I actually move alright too. (My weakness is endurance… if they can get me to move A LOT for a LONG period of time… they might have a chance.)
Over the past few years, two major events have caused me to re-think my life and specifically re-think my health. One, having Emily. Two, going to the doctor and finding out that I have high blood pressure and being put on cholesterol medicine at age 27. I don’t want to miss anything in Emily’s life. I want to be there when she starts school. I want to be there when she finishes. I want to be there when she gets married, I think. I want to be there when she has her first child. I want to be around, even as her children get older.
The doctor’s visit kind of woke me up. It embarrassed me. It shamed me. It made me mad. It motivated me. But here’s my biggest problem: Motivation to lose weight only lasts so long because I like food too much. I’ve tried diet after diet. I did Atkins. It worked. But I got painful leg cramps at night when I was sleeping and I couldn’t give up pasta for very long. I did Weightwatchers. It worked. But it was such a pain to keep track of those points… especially when you wanted to eat out. I tried Slim Fast. It worked. But I feel so crappy all the time on that diet. It also seems like the moment you go off any of these diets… you’ve already gained the weight back.
It’s a constant battle. Maybe one of the hardest on-going challenges in my life. It can be really, really frustrating. Fact is… I’ve just come to a place in my life where I’m just tired of being overweight. I would be a much better tennis player if I could drop 60 pounds. I am tired of not being able to breathe when I tie my shoes. I am tired of seeing myself in pictures next to my beautiful wife and daughter. It’s like the game of: What in this picture does not fit in? Me. I’m tired of my knee hurting. I’m tired of getting winded by walking up my stairs from my basement. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being overweight.
I’ve come to a major realization: The few moments of pleasure that I get each time I eat food is not worth how I feel right now. And it certainly isn’t worth dying of a heart attack in my mid-thirties and leaving my family behind. So, I am going to try really hard over the next few years to drop this weight and get healthy. I’m not entirely sure how to do it, but I just know that I will. I’ve allowed thousands of poor eating decisions to build up to what I am now… it’s time to reverse that. It’s time that I start making wise choices on a daily basis that will start building up towards a healthy lifestyle.
Be praying for me. This is one of those areas of my life where I’ve had no self discipline and I couldn’t hope to start having self discipline on my own strength. I’m going to need to rely on God for strength. Feel free to e-mail me and hold me accountable. Ask me how I’m doing. Yell at me or tell me to come back to my blog and read this entry.
In the meantime, I’ll allow a few faces and images to come to my mind to motivate me. I’ll try and envision what it might be like to fly around the tennis court (comfortably fitting into my old ‘Moline Tennis’ shirt that I wore in high school)… getting to every ball… and doing it for as long as I want. I’ll think of the little things: Like a life without knee pain.... or something as trivial as tying my shoe and breathing normal at the same time. I’ll think of that D.S. and allow the judgmental people in this world to motivate me. I’ll think of my call to preach and teach God’s Word my entire life… and how it would be better if that life were longer rather than shorter. I’ll think of Melissa and Emily and how I want them to be proud of me. I’ll think about how I want to be around them as much and as long as I can…
3 comments:
Josh,
I want to share 3 things with you to encourage you as you work towards your goal. 1)Do it now. It only gets harder and by the time you are my age (50s) it does not come off. I'm having gastric bypass surgery in August as my last resort. 2)Learn to eat slowly. Put your fork down between each bite. Most overweight people eat too fast. Learn to stop eating before you feel full. 3) If you don't buy it and put it in your cupboard, you can't eat it. Keep the good stuff available. And, I did remember a fourth-if you drink regular pop, get off it. Drink more water. Anyway, take it from one who knows! Love and prayers, Marilyn Hendricks
Josh,
Oustanding post. I was touched by your sincerity and humility. Being a person myself who has struggled with weight, I can relate to some of your feelings. You will be in my prayers not because I treasure you as a fellow minister, but more importantly because I consider you my brother. Something that has worked for me is running or walking or any activity where I can be outside and listen to now get this...sermons on tape. My trusty iPod provides me with hours of exercise entertainment while I am walking or running. So many churches list their sermons on the internet so literally any given week I have hundreds of great pastors to listen to. I know this works for me so I am offering it as a suggestion to you. I'm praying for you and looking forward to the day when you kill me in tennis more than you already do.
Kudos on your guts from a fellow fattie. I gained and kept most of the 60 pounds I gained with each pregnancy. Add in a low thyroid problem and stretch marks and I've been feeling pretty down on myself for the last few years. I had no idea how much of my identity was tied into my looks and I'm thanking God for my weight and the lessons I'm learning about vanity.
Here's the thing that surprised me about being overweight: I liked knowing that when a man talked to me, he was interested in what I had to say and not checking me out. I realized how insecure I was. I was convinced I wasn't smart or interesting, only pretty because people kept telling me so.
I was actually a chubby kid and one family member always called me 'thunder thighs' because I stomped around when I walked. I also remember being called 'baby moose' and 'cement bottom.' I thought of myself as fat for a long time. In seventh grade, my group of girlfriends were all quite a bit shorter than me, and although I was quite thin (I realize that now, looking at pictures) I still thought I was fat because everyone I hung out with was so much shorter than me. I felt like an amazon woman next to them.
It's amazing how distorted our self-image can be.
I have also recently determined to get healthy for myself, my kids, and my husband. Since I have more time on my hands not working, I have joined a gym and gotten a personal trainer. Jeff and I decided it was worth the expense and I too need support and accountability. On my own, I don't get far. My trainer is great and after two months of working out, I have gained more muscle, am more energetic, and lost 15 pounds. I feel great and don't care anymore about the outside. I know I'm getting healthier week by week and I can better keep up with my kids.
I'm learning alot about boosting metabolism (eat small meals every 3-4 hours) and drinking lots of water (flushes out wastes, keeps you hydrated). Here's the biggest tip: if God didn't make it, don't eat it! But if you must have bread and pasta, make it whole grain.
I've also purchased an e-book by Tom Venuto called "Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle." He's a bodybuilder but one who's never taken steroids or drugs to get lean. So, I'm reading that and he has some great things to say about why we sabotage ourselves and our goals.
I've never been blessed with athletic ability nor a desire to exert myself in anyway. I applaud that you are involved in physical activity already (that was such a hurdle for me) and totally support your desire to be more healthy.
In my prayers, Angele
Post a Comment