To celebrate the first of many spring and regular season losses for the Cubs this year... (yep, they lost to the Athletics 7-2) here is their proposed regular season promotional schedule:
The Chicago Cubs 2006 Promotional Schedule:
April 7: Home Opener and raising of the "Attendance Flag" to commemorate the magical 2005 season in which the Cubs sold out the majority of their home games. Not being raised: World Series Champions flag.
April 8: Presentation of the "Nice Neighborhood" rings to members of the
2005 squad in commemoration of their capturing of the city's heart by playing in such a cute little part of town. Not being presented: World Series Champions rings.
April 9: Home Opener festivities conclude with "Red Broomstick Day." Red broomsticks will be handed out to the first 10,000 Cardinal fans to commemorate the Cubs first home sweep of the year... to the Cardinals.
April 24: Win a Mark Prior autographed picture! 100 lucky fans will receive a 5 x 7" photo signed by the Cubs' 11-game winner! Only the first one will be signed by his right hand... as in doing so... he will pull a tendon in his elbow and be out for the rest of the year. The last 99 will be signed with his left hand.
April 25: Turn Back the Clock I with throwback jerseys, old-timely music and special guests and relive the magic of the Cubs' epic loss to the Florida Marlins in the 2003 NLCS.
May 13: Turn Back the Clock II with authentic 1984 uniform jerseys being handed out to the first 1,000 fans. The Cubs will help fans relive the moment even more by getting killed by the San Diego Padres during the game.
May 14: Precious Moments figurine doll to the first 10,000 female fans. Everyone else will get to enjoy another whole sale slaughter of 25 baby bears.
May 26: Steve Bartman dart board day: First 5,000 fans recieve a dart board with a picture of Steve Bartman in the middle. Fans will be encouraged to continue to blame innocent bystanders for the collapse of the 2003 Cubs.
May 27: Chip Caray and Steve Stone punching bag day: First 2,500 fans will recieve a punching bag with the photo of these two critical former announcers. The Cub blame game continues to be played better than their baseball game.
June 15: Kerry Wood bobblehead day. The first 10,000 fans will receive a bobblehead doll of the Northsiders' all-time leader in simulated strikeouts! Bonus feature... each bobblehead comes with a complementary pass to watch Kerry Wood undergo one of his weekly MRI's.
June 16: Turn Back the Clock III - Kick off a rematch of the Cubs' most recent World Series appearance as they welcome the Detroit Tigers and try to beat them for the first time since 1945.
June 26: Goat Day - In the hopes of reversing the curse of the goat... all fans will be required to bring a goat with them to the game. (Of course, each fan must pay a full price ticket for their animals.)
June 30: Crosstown Amnesty Day - All managers and first 25 players on the White Sox active roster will receive a complimentary win.
July 1: Turn Back the Clock IV - 1906 World Series rematch. Authentic memorabilia will be given out to lucky Cub fans, as will an authentic 1906-style massacre of their lovable losers during the game.
July 2: Lovable Loser Day - First 15,000 losers get to fall in love with the Cubs even more as they are handed yet another staggering loss at home by the 'other' Chicago team who will be sporting really cool 2005 World Series Championship Rings.
July 14: Harry Caray Day, featuring an all-star tribute to the late and beloved former White Sox and Cardinals announcer.
July 27: Sammy Sosa Day, featuring a ceremony in which Sammy Sosa's number will be retired and his corked bat will be placed in a case and hidden in the center field ivy. All fans will receive a commemorative 'before and after steroids' picture of Sosa's head.
August 1: Nine Games Back Day - First 10,000 fans in attendance to correctly explain what "Nine Games Back" means receive a Cubs t-shirt.
August 19: Playoff Day. Come out and root for the Cubs as they stand on the brink of elimination against the Cardinals with forty-one games still left to play in the season. First 20,000 fans wearing Cubs gear receive a White Sox t-shirt.
September 1: "C.U.B.S. Day" First 10,000 fans will recieve a C.U.B.S. T-Shirt. (Completely Useless By September).
September 2: Turn Back the Clock V - Cubs fans, come out and party like it's
1989 in this showdown against the 1989 NLCS champion San Francisco Giants!
October 1: Final Home Game / Wait 'Til Next Year Day - First 39,538 fans are idiots.
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